Happy Feet

I wonder if Chloe feels like Happy Feet some days.

Top 5 Reasons I feel Like a Failure this Week

1. I forgot to go to Quinn's school to volunteer on Wednesday
2. I forgot to go to Chloe's parent teacher conference tonight
3. Because Quinn said (as I tried to solve yet another problem re: therapy programs), "Mommy, I just wish you could play with me."
4. Because my house is an absolute mess and laundry is piled high
5. God has entrusted me with a child that I don't feel capable of parenting much of the time.

I truly feel as though I would be a great mom to two "normal" kids. Trying to keep one foot in Italy and one in Holland is too hard. Parenting two "only" children is breaking my spirit and my heart. I own every craft book ever written but never do them because I cannot get it together enough to do so. We have tons of great games but can only play them when Chloe is asleep or when we are in the waiting room of some therapy or she will destroy them. There are so many days when I wish we all would have just stayed in WI so the family support network was built in.

just wish for a couple weeks I could parent the way I always thought I would. I wish that people could see me as the together, fun-loving, up for anything person I once was. I feel as though my friends in CO have only known me as a disheveled, unorganized, sad, excuse for a mom/friend/wife.

Was talking to my dad and tearfully telling him (in code cuz the kids were in the car) that the hitting, biting, pinching, scratching (new), etc. was getting old. He asked, "Does he ever fight back?" Huh...I was talking about the fact that I was tired of getting hit, bitten, pinched, scratched. As for Quinn, he's tired of it too. No, he doesn't fight back. He yells because he knows he would get in trouble if he "fought" back. Now he gets in trouble for yelling (not from me). Dad asked what they recommend for Chloe's behavior and I told him (now sobbing), "More therapy." He replied, "For goodness sake, you are therapied out already." Yes, I know...the alternative is to live like this for the rest of our lives.

Got great advice tonight, "You just have to deal with it."

Please pray for me/us.

Just like with Jesus

A couple months ago Quinn was playing with some magnets. I was out of town and I received a call from Joe and he was excited to tell me about the interaction he had just had with Quinn. Quinn said, as he showed his dad how magnets repel one another, "Daddy, magnets are like with Jesus. When you are born there is a wall between you and Jesus, just like this." But then...he turns one of the magnets around, "Then you accept Jesus into your heart and it is like this." Click - the magnets are attached together.

Of course, we were excited by his obvious intellect :). He is making analogies. He is making analogies about magnetic fields. He is making analogies about magnetic fields and the Bible. He must be very smart.

We were far more excited about the subject of his analogy. Sometimes I really think he gets it. He loves the Lord. He understands more than we think. Just a few days ago he decided that he wanted to be a missionary when he grows up. What a lofty, prestigious goal for a 5 year old boy.

I still get goosebumps when I think of him as a toddler. It was right before or after Chloe was born, Quinn was about 18 months old. I was sitting on the floor of their bathroom singing "Jesus Loves Me" to him as he bathed. I really didn't think he was paying me any attention as he dumped water and splashed. He interrupted my beautiful singing and said, with all of the seriousness of a religious scholar, "I have two daddies." Bewildered, I said, "What?" And he repeated, "I have two daddies, daddy and Jesus." Now, I had NEVER told him that Jesus was our Father or that Father meant daddy. He hadn't heard any sermons, he didn't listen to any religious programs on the radio. The child was 18 months old. Where did this come from?

Do you ever get the feeling your kid will accomplish great things? This was one of those moments for me! It was and still is, a "wow, there's something a lot bigger than me working on this child's heart" moment. Every parent has a couple of these, I'm sure!

Two nights ago, we got home late from AWANA at church. Though I shouldn't have, I started doing laundry rather than putting Quinn to bed. Joe said to Quinn, "Let's go upstairs and read Sticky Situations (a book about making the right decisions written just for kids) and the Bible and then Mommy will come up and tuck you in." Quinn had a meltdown and sassed his daddy saying, "NO, I want mommy to read me Bible." Joe, frustrated by his sassing said, "No Bible tonight. Let's go. You are going straight to bed." Meltdown no longer describes Quinn's reaction. He lost it.

He cried, "You cannot take away Bible. You can never take away Bible." Ahhhh...Daddy did not know (my fault) that I had made a deal with Quinn a long, long time ago that Bible would never be taken away. One of Quinn's favorite things in the world is books. Occasionally, we have to punish him by saying he doesn't get any books at bed time. However, I told him that no matter how naughty he was, we would not take away Bible reading time. I felt like it was precisely those times when he most needed Bible time.

Big mistake...I forgot to tell Daddy about the deal I had made with him. Joe came to the laundry room and said something about Quinn being really upset and told me the story. I told him about our deal. He agreed with the "deal" but was now in a bind as to what to do. The books all say to tell the kids when you make a bad decision. So...we said to Quinn, "Mommy forgot to tell Daddy about the deal we made that we can't take away Bible for punishment so we came up with a new punishment." Quinn, "What is it?" Mommy, "You cannot sleep in your top bunk tonight (it was the first time he had decided to sleep up there in months - the warning tag says, "kids under age 6 should not sleep in top bunk" and this was a real problem for Quinn but his cousin Parker (age 3) got bunk beds and he is sleeping in his top bunk. Quinn finally decided it was time for him to sleep in his top bunk too). He cried, "But I was getting ready to sleep in my top bunk all day." Mommy, "I am sorry but you made a bad choice." Quinn, "I am so sad right now...zzz, zzz, zzz"

All's well that ends well!

Chloe's Friendship with Marcella

Today I received the best note in Chloe's little school notebook, it said that Chloe has been playing with a little girl named Marcella during recess. I emailed Miss Nancy (the para-professional in Chloe's class) and asked her to tell me more. Her reply was far more than I had ever expected. It has to be one of God's miracles. Please pray that God continues to help Chloe build and maintain friendships. Here's Nancy's response to this question, "Nancy, can you please tell me more about Marcella? Heather said Chloe has been playing with her on the playground."

Marcella is a wonderful little girl and she and Chloe are becoming great friends. Marcella is not disabled - she is a typical peer and so tender hearted towards Chloe. Today it was sweet. Marcella pushed Chloe on the swing and then Chloe pushed her. They like to sit together and Chloe is very content when she is with Marcella. I think they make a great pair. Chloe and Marcella spend a lot of time laughing and Chloe seems inspired by Marcella to use as much language as she can! I have watched as this relationship has grown and it has developed into far more than I dreamed. At reading time they sit together and yesterday they were laughing so hard. Both Heather and I loved to see them truly playing. I can't wait for you to see them with your own eyes! It's so fun to see Chloe with FRIENDS!

Multi-dentally delayed

Quinn is beginning to catch on...

The other day I was talking to another adult about Chloe (a topic of many of my conversations). As we spoke, Quinn eventually told the woman that Chloe was mult-dentally delayed. I guess he means "developmentally delayed". It was so sweet!

Yesterday, Chloe got off from the school bus. She came up the driveway and said, "Do?" (What are you doing?). We told her we were reading a book while we waited for her to get home. Quinn looked at me and said, "Mom, Chloe sure can do a lot for someone who is handicapped, can't she?"

He's a really good big brother. Sure, his baby sister drives him NUTS - just like any baby sister. Yesterday (now I am laughing), I came downstairs after hearing Quinn yelling "STOP, NO, QUIT, LEAVE ME ALONE!! STOP CHLOE". I was thinking, "Why doesn't he just get up and move so Chloe can't bug him while watching a show together?" As I began to descend the stairs...there was Quinn - climbing the bannister and hanging there watching the movie. I think he thought I was going to have a fit about him hanging from the railing watching their show. He said, "I had to get away from Chloe Mommy". He was probably pleasantly surpised when I said, "That was a good solution to the problem you were having."

Back to being a good big brother. Chloe loves her brother (though she shows it in very strange ways). When she comes home from school and Quinn is gone, she looks at me and says, "Qua?" (Quinn?). I tell her that he is at school. Chloe says, "Qua - coo?" (Quinn's at school?). At bedtime (mostly when Daddy is not home), as I am putting her to bed, she says, "Qua - ha ha". (I want Quinn to sing me my bed time songs). Quinn comes in and sings You are My Sunshine. He substitutes words...You will never know Chloe, how much I love you, please don't take my Chloe away." He also sings the second verse (but he has only heard it 2 or 3 times). He says, "The other night I dreamed I holded you in my arms and then I woke up and you weren't there and I held my head and cried (and he grabs his head and sings in a crying voice)." Then, he crawls into her bed and gives her a kiss and hug.

It's hard being Chloe's big brother, especially when you are only a 5 year old who is a mere 18 months older than your baby sister. I am so thankful that God gave Chloe a big brother like Quinn. He has faults but he sure is good to his baby sister a lot of the time!!

There are two schools of thought on siblings of "special needs" kids. One - the "other child" becomes angry and upset about the attention focused on the special needs child. He or she acts out in anger and hate. Two - the "other child" becomes compassionate. loving, accepting person who cares deeply and who becomes an advocate who stands up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. I sure hope Quinn chooses option 2.

I Need a Cell Phone like Yours!!!

Last night, Quinn was sitting on our bed after reading the Bible. We talked about how he hadn't talked to his grandparents in a while and how that might make them sad. This is when he announced (he's 5), "I need my own cell phone." I said to Joe, "Did you hear that????" I said to Quinn, "Did my 5 year old just tell me that he needed a cell phone?" Of course, I was laughing. Quinn, in all seriousness, continued, "I need one just like yours Mom." Okay...so my 5 year old not only needs his own cell phone...he needs a Blackberry Curve. I have my favorite five on my phone. They show up in a little circle on the front of my phone with photos. I have my mom & dad, Joe's phone, Carrie's house, My Gym and our house on there. I have unlimited minutes to these five numbers. Quinn told us he would replace My Gym with Grandma Nancy.

I think the bottom line is that Quinn wants to call his grandparents but feels he can only do so if he has in own cell phone!

I made him a phone list in an "address book" just for Quinn. This will have to do for now! Don't be surprised if you get a call from Quinn but...in the meanwhile, give him a call. Unfortunately, you will have to use our home phone number :).

To be Adored

Some friends of ours got back from Ethiopia this weekend. They adopted two small children. Lisa blogged about a little girl that they had met while there. They gave her a teddy bear. She said it was so incredibly heart-breaking to watch this little girl, teddy bear in hand, waving good-bye to them with tears streaming down her tiny face. The little girl is deaf and she has watched so many adopted children leave with their new families but she is always rejected because of her disabilities (thankfully she is being adopted by a special education teacher and her husband). She will no longer have to watch the kids go as she is left behind. Imagine the pain in her little heart.

This story really affected me. As I sit here sobbing, I wonder if I am crying for this little girl or for my own little girl who is passed over and rejected every day of her life. I know it is totally different but in some ways I feel that Chloe feels that same rejection because she is different. So many times she has been locked out of Quinn's room when he has friends over or she hears, "LEAVE ME ALONE or STOP IT" from Quinn, his friends and her cousin. She doesn't really have any friends who accept her just the way she is. She can be really hard to be around because she hits or she doesn't fit in. You cannot really blame the other 3, 4 and 5 year olds - they don't know any better.

I was reading something written by another mom of a child with PTLS - Adri is the same age as Chloe. She said that her daughter is sweet, kind & loving and she feels it is because she is modeling the behaviors of her older sister, her sister's friends and her older cousins who all adore her. Is there really anyone that "adores" Chloe? Most people tolerate her, ignore her or just pay her a small bit of attention so that they can move on to other things. It's no wonder she loves therapy so much! All that attention for just her.

The dictionary defines adore as: to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect; honor or to like & admire very much.

Aside from her mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents...is there truly anyone who adores Chloe? She doesn't have older siblings to make a big deal of her. Her big brother is only 18 months older than her. She doesn't have older cousins that live near her...her cousin is the same age and doesn't understand why Chloe can't talk like him or play like him. Explaining it to a three year old doesn't do much good.

So, when very few people adore you, how do you act? You act silly to get attention, you do naughty things so people notice you, you hit because you can't say "hey, that's mine" or "please play with me". I understand that every child is different. Maybe Adri just has a different personality. Maybe not. Maybe if you are admired, loved, respected, included, felt to be made a part of vs. left out, yelled at, pushed away, constantly corrected you naturally develop a sweeter disposition.

Is it the chicken or the egg? Is it a catch - 22? How do we fix it? How does a mommy protect her daughter while at the same time respecting the needs of the other children in her life? Do answers to these questions actually exist somewhere? Will God explain why he chose this path for Chloe's life when I stand before Him? Will he make her all better someday? Will she feel the joy of knowing that she is one of his beloved children? What would you do? I am all ears (or eyes as the case may be).

Thanks for "listening".